theme song

those who have seen the "Ally McBeal" tv show will know what I am talking about...when I couple months ago finished watching the first season (have seen it about a hundred times but still love it) I started to think about what my theme song could be....well for Ally it was "Tell him" by Vonda Shepard...it suited her perfectly...but for me? I mean the principles should be the same...the kind of song which gives you energy and confidence, makes you smile while listening to it and go faster while walking on the street...

at that time I thought that ok, it looked great and possible in a tv show, but can't be possible in real life....I mean it's just a song and knowing my tendency to loose my interest in things very fast.... besides every situation needs different kind of stimulation, so different kind of songs....and even if I would find one, on days when I am in a really horrible mood, one song can't size my day, make my mood go from minuses to +100%...or can it?

guess what...damn right it can...and it did....it was somewhere three days later when I heard this song on the radio and fell in love with it imediately...it actually has all those features which I mentioned earlier...I have been listening to it for about 4 months and still it has the same energetic, optimistic, explosive effect on me as it had the first time....even on very crappy days, which I thought wasn't possible....:)

P.S.I actually forgot to mention the name of the song...it's "Destination" by Leonid Rudenko...Love, love, LOVE it!

my abroad suprise....

in my previous post i mentioned that i have to write about a story from my past....it was related to the topic about sleeping with smb who you don't find attractive....

it was one and a half a year ago, although it all actually started two years ago....on one of those international meeting sites, where you can find penpals or friends or for some smth even more serious, i met a guy...he was from a different country which wasn't that far away but not couple of hours away either....so we started chatting and the more i found out about him the more we found out that we share similar interests and opinions about lots of stuff...at some point i doubted that it is even possible that two people, who are from different countries and have never met in real life, could get along so great even after a half year of non stop chatting....i am not saying that he is a perfect guy but it was his personality which perfectly matched my....

after 6 months of chatting ofcourse we decided to meet in real life...god, how nervous i was that day when he was about to come here to my city, country(better won't name it out of precociousness)...ofcourse i had had a manicure, done my hair and bought new clothes and lingerie.....i have to admit myself that i looked stunning that day...i remember how nervous i was that day when i woke up, but then i thought about it a little and came to a conclusion that actually i have nothing to be nervous about(or afraid) cuz basicly i had known him for half a year, i knew what he looked like and as good as an actor you might be, you can't pretend to be smb else every day for half a year....so i went to meet him fearless and confident...the only nervousness i felt was out of excitement....so there i was waiting at the international bus station, when i cought a sight of a big bus on which was written the name of the country which he's from....well i admit, for a second my heart did start to beat like crazy and my whole confidence was gone....but only for a second, cuz when he finally got off the bus i was....well i think the right word would be shocked.....i mean i know that you can improve your picture and looks with photoshop, but honestly....that much improving?!....i am not saying that he was hideous or really ugly but well....don't think that i am shallow but i have to say that in real life i would most probably not consider him as a potential boyfriend or even hook-up....so there i was, standing totally shocked...but then i reminded myself what a great personality he has and how much i like him...so we spent the afternoon walking/sightseeing...then the night came with a decision to make- weather he stays overnight or takes the last bus home...he stayed ofcourse and we spent a night together...it was then when i discovered that although i was totally not attracted to him physically, i could still sleep with him without any i don't know, doubts or antipathy...however it turned out that except for his personality, his looks wasn't the only thing that was an turn off....maybe it was because he was nervous or not very experienced or whatever, but he definitely sucked in bed....

afterwards he ofcourse went back home on the next day but wanted to definitely meat again as soon as possible...he wanted us to be more than friends, but i on the other hand didn't...well yeah i really liked him as a person but for me it is important in a relationship to have that chemistry not only while talking but in bed as well....he couldn't except it so i totally broke off all connections with him...

another option

couple days ago i met an old really good friend...she used to be the one person whom i told more about my feelings than anybody else...she has never been judgmental so i knew i could ask for her opinion about that "sugar baby" thing....

it turned out that she had been in a bad financial state as well so she chose smth similar...she now works at a web chat...she has to deliver an erotic show and chat as well with the members and she gets payed from 1,91 to 3,99 $ a minute (ofcourse 50% goes to the company she works for)...she earns somewhere between 100 and 200 $ a day...not bad...you don't have to see what the horny guy/man looks like and most importantly there is no direct interaction meaning nobody except yourself is touching you not to mention having sex...

ofcourse there I was with a new option open...not that i had a big problem with sleeping with a guy whom i didn't find attractive (have to remember to write about that one time related to this topic).....but now that i knew the place with the address, salary and everything else it seemed more real than signing up in sites where sugar babies look for their sugar daddies....

so i went there and signed up...i sat there only for two hours and earned 60 $....but honestly it was so weird....like i understand, which more or less normal guy would pay a girl 2$ a minute for talking with him and sexy dancing.....but still the weirdest thing was that i had, if i'm not wrong, 3 guys who wanted me to only stroke my feet and show them really close to the camera and they found it soooo hot...probably they had smth like a feet fetish but i had to try sooo hard not to laugh cuz i simply can't understand how stroking my feet can make a guy "come"....on the other hand why should i care cuz then i don't even have to take off my shirt...:D

but afterwards while walking to the bus station to get home and while riding the bus i had this weird cheap feeling and i think that having one millionaire paying for your company etc wouldn't give me quite a feeling like that cuz on webchat there i am like one of a million who delivers a show etc for hundreds of idiotic guys for 2 or little more $....dunno...i am considering that i have had enough with that one time....honestly i am definitely not that cheap and i am smth special that only few guys/men can afford and get...well then ok i tried it, didn't like it and that's it....

now i am back to the beginning...only that now i have made my decision....weather a high price call girl or "sugar baby"....now what's left is to think out how to start and where to look for potential clients....

easy money, "new" discovery

have been reading a few blogs from so called "sugar babies", where pretty girls write about their relationships with benefits with the so called "sugar daddies"....it's the same as a call girl...they are like usual girlfriends with whom you can spend the time with while going out or staying in, only that they won't call you on the other day unless you want to...and there is no drama, no jealousy, basicly non of the annoying things in usual relationships...but the best thing for the girl is that she gets paid for it, plus expensive gifts etc...

you want to know why I brought up this topic so suddenly?....well lately i am quite in a bad financial state...my wallet is as empty as the Sahara desert...so yesterday i googled part time job for students and there it appeared, the first link - pretty girls with knowledge in etiquette and fluent in English wanted for accompanying wealthy men....

so naturally the devil on my left and the angel on my right shoulder appeared...the angel talked how wrong it is, that i would loose my pride and value as a woman/person and that there are other ways how to earn some extra money as a student.....but the devil on the other hand knew exactly the right buttons to push, saying that i won't loose anything, cuz it's not like i would be standing on the street and selling myself for tips, no no no...i would be a high price call girl who would get to spend time in luxury and would be even payed for that, besides to get that much money i would have to work full time jobs or even more.....and it's not like i haven't dated guys who i wasn't attracted to by their appearance...

first i threw that thought away but the devil's words popped in my head again and again...and then i decided to look up more information about it...then i found a movie about a call girl, whose name as interesting as it might be was the same as mine, well at least it was her professional name but whatever...the movie is called "The Girlfriend Experience"....and guess what...after watching the movie i am starting to think it might actually be the right job for me, cuz (not to overpraise myself) but i am a really good actress and good at flirting, my good looks is a plus as well...and my laziness and greediness for money and better financial life than i have is big enough for me to choose this kind of a job....

haven't made my final decision yet...from my experience i can say that if i let a new idea rest for like few days and afterwards still find it appealing then it's worth trying...so i will think about it for few days over the weekend and then we'll see, maybe i will start to write my own call girl experience blog as well....

guys, relationships........

today i read an article in "JOY" that basicly said that women unconsciously pick their partners/mates by comparing them to their fathers or whatever male examples they had while growing up....but what to do if you didn't have a father, stepfather or uncle or whatever male example is available to look up to....for example i had no men in my family which honestly to say isn't big but still - all females....so what conclusion can i draw? should i become lesbian cuz i had so many female examples? :D ehm  sry no, i am quite sure that i am definitely into guys...but that leads to one fact that serves as kind of a proof for the father's icon's absence in my younger years....i am not quite a relationship type of a person...it doesn't necessary mean that i have problems with staying in a monogamous relationship but it is more about the trusting and opening up to the other person, letting your guard down and putting your feelings or even heart in the other person's hands...really you can't imagine how impossible and frightening it seems to me....I am that type of a person who is always optimistic and in a good mood, fun to be around and seems to be never in a bad mood or have problems, but actually i just don't show that smth bothers me...i mean to me sharing my problems and emotions make me feel sooo weak and vulnerable and definitely doesn't help like others say that telling smb will make you feel lighter, easier, more relieved and better in general...well with me it's definitely not the case.....so imagine how it is in a relationship for me or for the guy as well....furthermore mostly people just don't understand it, they say smth like "you're so open about everything and always state your opinion so why can't you do the same about your feelings (weather good or bad)?" but I can't...yes, i can say whatever is on my mind about irrelevant things or people but when it comes to smth which really matters to me then i just put a wall around it....but weirdest part about this is that i have never felt the need to actually have like that one person whom i could trust all those secret and burried deep down emotions and thoughts...I remember that once a friend of mine said that i am a lonely wolf who likes to be free and doesn't need anybody else except himself....honestly to say i aggree....for example i know there are many people who like always are in a relationship cuz they just can't be single, weather it's unconsciously or not but they never stay single for longer than 2 weeks maximum and surprisingly it's not certainly themselves who look for that other person but they somehow, dunno give a signal which says "i am single! quick, come and get into a relationship with me"....maybe that's an important factor - the attitude, which in my case says smth like "i don't need anyone, i am fine by myself....."

but back to my general topic about finding the right type of guy...as for me i have no leads upon which i should start my "search"...:D anyway i do have a proximate idea about what my as possible near to the ideal guy should be though:

a priority, mandatory, must is a good sense of humor.....then a big turn on for me is intelligence and if the guy is smarter than me in general then even more, mmm....then he should be active, like i don't mean in a perfect phisical shape with a six pack, no, what i mean is that he should be into doing any kind of sport, activity or even simply go out and not always sit inside....not that i have smth against staying inside, cuz i have these days or weeks or even months when i would rather  just spend the whole time inside watching a film, reading a book or even doing nothing and simply laying around....what else.....oh yeah, i can have quite a temper sometimes and i am a strong personality, so i need a guy who can take the lead and have the upper hand in the relationship cuz (sorry ladies for saying this) i need a guy who can be manly enough to shut me down...doesn't have to be in a rough way(definitely not) but i don't know, just some people have that authority aura around them which makes you respect them and listen to them when they say you are wrong...or he could just somehow manipulate me into being convinced that i can get it my way by having it his way...although i am mostly really good at it myself....

see, it's not like i am asking for the impossible perfect guy....or am i? 

postponing

Today i realized how many times (actually every time i take up smth) i never do it right away...i always delay it and tell myself that i'll do it tomorrow, i will start with the next week or month or starting with the new year....always full of determination, but when the time comes to actually do it i just back down...i continue on with the way i always do it....and the most ridicilous thing is that every time i decide to change something in my life i actually really believe that this time i will definitely do it and fully proceed with my plan till the end...quite miserable....uhh

so...there it is, my new plan/goal/LIFE! no more backing down...no more stopping in the middle and not finishing things...no more my old me....here it is - my new determined life where i don't delay anything and always finish what i have started or have planed to start...

I have a good feeling about this time....i didn't mention it before but i have actually a really good intuition, and my intuition is somehow really possitive about this...let's hope this time i will fully succeed....actually no - no hoping, i WILL succeed!!!

xoxo a totally changed person